The Letter I'll Never Send...

I read recently, and I've heard, that one thing you can do to cope with emotions and feelings is to write a letter saying everything you want/need to say without sending it. Supposedly, it's therapeutic. So here goes...


Dear XXX,

There's so many things I want to say to you. It's only been a few months of whatever this is/was, but we both know it had been building for years. We've talked about so many things, and I've shared things with you that I have never shared with anyone. I've told you that. I trusted you, more than I've allowed myself to trust anyone in a very long time. I feel like lately I have been climbing those defensive walls I built, just to get to you. You said that you've waited years for me. Then why, after I give in to my feelings for you and tell you I want you, do you run from me???

You have acted like the age difference is such a big deal. Let me tell you something. The age difference... that's one of the many reasons I was falling for you. I thought, 'surely, at his age, he's more mature than most of the "boys" I've dated in the past. He's a man.' After doing some thinking, I've realized that not only are you emotionally immature, you're also emotionally unavailable. You can't give love if you have no idea what the word even means. I'm not saying that to be harsh. It's a sad truth.

One of the things I loved about what we had was trust, honesty, telling the truth. I'm heartbroken and devastated because I can't believe you lied to me. And I can't believe that in my head I'm trying to justify it by thinking that you were just drunk and didn't know what you were saying. That one lie, that maybe didn't seem like much to you, has me questioning everything you've ever said. I wish you could understand that.

You told me that you would not be spending your night with her but with me. I wish I knew whether or not you knew when you said it that it was a lie. In that very same conversation you told me that you were falling for me. You sounded so sincere. I believed you. I told you before, and it was very true that night, that I hang on your words. Even after the events of that night, when you said that it still made me smile. And we hung up, leaving me with hope. Hope that was shattered.

I believed IN you. I've always believed in you. And I think that's one of the things that scared me the most. I told you, I knew what would happen if I let my guard down and gave in. I would fall in love with you. I would need you. And that is so very terrifying with someone who is a closed book. Someone who can't communicate.

And it's not really even the fact that she was there. I'd like to think I've been doing a little better about accepting that we are not officially in any kind of relationship, and that you can date whomever you choose. I will tell you this. I HATE being the other woman. I HATE being a secret. You told me you weren't like the other guys in my past, but yet you are repeating their behavior. I've told you how my last ex boyfriend did exactly what you're doing to me. Either you still don't see it, or you're actually enjoying having your cake and eating her, too.

It would help if I knew how you felt about her and how you felt about me. And I didn't want you to tell me what you think I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear the TRUTH. You've been with her off and on for several years. I know there has to be a bond there. And I have no idea how deep that bond goes. I have often thought that she was there simply for the sake of someone being there. At least, I guess that's what I've been telling myself to justify how you can go from one woman to the other woman in a matter of 8 hours, sometimes more and sometimes less.

The fact that you threw it in my face that she was there and that you were having a good time is why I said goodbye. I never, NEVER saw you as the type of person who would intentionally hurt me. You have, many times, made me feel like a princess with the things you've said and done. That's why I am having a really hard time understanding why. I'm questioning whether I really even know you.

I find myself wanting to ask so many questions about your relationship with her. Like, does she have a key to your house? How does she feel about you? What do you like about her? What do you not like about her? Do you love her? Why do you take care of her like you do? Then there are questions about you. Like, does it get old, jumping from woman to woman? What do you really want? Would you ever really quit drinking? Did you ever see us as anything more than a little fun?

Yet, here I sit, crying and staring at my phone wishing you'd text me, or call me. Hell, at this point I'd be happy if you showed up at my front door, because at least I'd know you cared about what is happening between us. Wanting you so much and hating myself for it. I've told you, I don't operate like you do. I can't jump from person to person like you can. When I'm interested in someone, I'm interested in that someone ONLY. I love deep. There is nothing I wouldn't do for the people I love. When I said that, I didn't share that information for it to be taken advantage of. Lately, I feel like that's all you do. I'm your toy. And you NEVER used to make me feel that way.

You've told me several times that it's all about the kiss. I wish I could make you understand that I can't enjoy even so much as a kiss, let alone anything else, when I know that your lips were on someone else less than 24 hours before. It feels so disrespectful. And I really wish I could understand how YOU justify it.

I learned something about myself last night as I was reading a book on letting go. I don't know why it never dawned on me before. Part of my issues, we'll say, stems from watching what my parents went through and how it affected me. My dad worked 16 hours a day, two and three jobs at a time, to support his family. My mom, angry at the fact he was never available, lashed out at him. I sat in the middle, literally, while they stood at opposite ends of the house arguing. She would scream and curse and eventually tell him to get out. And he left, and would return a few days later once they talked it out. And then it would happen again, and again, and again. One day, my dad actually left for good. He didn't come back.

I learned a lot of things from this. But, what I realized is by doing what I've done to you that I am repeating her mistakes. And that makes me angry. I've lashed out at you and cursed at you and said goodbye so many times in the years we've known each other that I lost count. You think it's funny and I don't want to walk away from you. I feel like I can't. And right now, I'm so blinded that I don't know if it's wrong or right. But my fear is that I will push you away so many times that eventually you'll just keep going. And not look back.

I really, honestly, don't know what to do. I have no right to tell you who you can and cannot see, or who you can and cannot talk to. I know that. And I've said that many times. But, I am a jealous person, and you know this. I'm insecure. And I feel like I'm holding on to you so hard that you're slipping right out of my hands. It's been so long since I've been involved with anyone like we are. I have always stayed a safe distance away from the fire because I didn't want to get burned. Right now I'm on fire.

I shouldn't have said the mean things I said last night. In a sick way, that reaction is a good thing. Because once it's stops, it means I no longer care. And that's when I will have given up. The one thing you've asked me not to do. But regardless of that, I still shouldn't have said what I did. I'm pretty sure I didn't mean it. I don't know. I was hurt. Still am. I woke up with the same heartache. It's not a new day for me like it is for you.

I KNOW there are things I need to work on. But you have your fair share of things, too. You have to open up to me. You can't leave me in the dark in a maze and expect me to find my way to you. I truly feel that we have something. And I think it could potentially be something really great. Maybe even something lasting. I can tell you, and I have before, that I wouldn't give whatever this is a second thought if I didn't think there was something there. There's no sense in wasting your time or mine.

I'm just so confused. I care about you so much. It's taking A LOT of willpower not to contact you and try to work it out. The main thing stopping me is that I KNOW we will be right back here next week, and the week after that. I told you the other night and I will say it again because I really don't think I can say it enough. I WILL NOT reward your hurting me by giving you what you want. It only encourages you to do it again. It's not punishment. It's standing up for what I believe in. And I know I'm not much, but I believe I don't deserve to be treated this way. I deserve someone who will be with me, ONLY me, not just when it's convenient for him. And/or when she's not available.

There's so much more I could say, but my brain actually hurts now. That's one of the things I know I need to work on. I always want to figure everything out right now. If I don't have answers, I go a little crazy. I'm walking a very fine line in my mind between what is right and how much I can take.

For what it's worth, I am falling in love with you. Jump WITH me.

Yours,
Katie

Forgiveness

I'm here because... I feel like I've lost myself. Constantly changing into who I think I should be to fit in, to feel accepted. Wearing so many masks and playing different roles for countless people, I don't really know who I am anymore. What other people see is a lie, a misrepresentation. Sometimes I wear the wrong masks for the wrong people, destroying relationships that I don't really want to lose.

I've become a prisoner in the walls I've built. Walls that were meant to protect me from hurt and pain have left me completely alone. It's pride, and fear, that keeps those walls standing tall. I need to learn that the key to releasing the lock of fear is faith. That faith and positive words can overcome the fears that Satan attacks me with.

I need a renewal of the mind. I need to forget all the lies that Satan has told me.

Philippians 4:13 : I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Whatever we believe is the way it'll be for us. I want to believe that I don't have to be trapped in my past, that I don't have to carry this broken heart with me everywhere I go. And while there are many things in my life that need addressed, I want to start with letting go of the past. Because if I don't, I'll never move into my future. And a big part of letting go is forgiveness.

Matthew 6: 14-15 : "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

Colossians 3:13 : bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

Forgiveness is a decision. One that may be difficult, but is the right thing to do. One that I can't do alone, but with God's help. One that cannot change when my feelings do. One that takes a great deal of effort and willpower, but can be done. Living with anger and bitterness towards someone who has wronged me only hurts me. No matter how I feel towards that person, I have to want to forgive them. And I do.

Forgiveness means closure. So many situations in life never get closure. By shutting those doors to the past once and for all (instead of constantly opening them to see if anything has changed), I can walk further down the hallway (move forward) and see what God has in store for my present and my future.

I know that it is okay to forgive someone and not forget. And, to sum up a lesson I learned from a Madea movie, if I'm still holding onto that hurt, I haven't really forgiven them. If I'm telling someone a situation from my past, and I find myself focusing on the hurt and the anger rather than the lesson, I haven't really forgiven them.

Forgiveness is a good thing. And as hard as it may sometimes be, I must pray for my enemies and those who have wronged me. Not only is forgiveness important for my spiritual well-being, it's important for my health. Anger towards a wrongdoing can take a terrible toll on someone's health, and I'm talking about making someone physically ill.

I plan to sit down over the next few days and write letters of forgiveness to every person I can think of who has wronged me. Not sending them, but confronting the past and letting go of it. By forgiving, I let go of the power that wrongdoing has over me. And they all have weights, if you will. Some are 5lbs and some are 100lbs, and everything in between. God give me strength.

I also pray that those I have wronged (and I know there have been quite a few over the years) will somehow find it in them to forgive me. A few people come to mind, one in particular. Lord, I need him to forgive me.

Lord, I ask you to take my hand and lead me out of these prison doors. I pray you'll cleanse my heart of all the bitterness, anger, and resentment. Renew me. Help me become the woman of God I am meant to be. Please help me in my journey of forgiveness. Thank you for your blessings. Amen.