Forgiveness

I'm here because... I feel like I've lost myself. Constantly changing into who I think I should be to fit in, to feel accepted. Wearing so many masks and playing different roles for countless people, I don't really know who I am anymore. What other people see is a lie, a misrepresentation. Sometimes I wear the wrong masks for the wrong people, destroying relationships that I don't really want to lose.

I've become a prisoner in the walls I've built. Walls that were meant to protect me from hurt and pain have left me completely alone. It's pride, and fear, that keeps those walls standing tall. I need to learn that the key to releasing the lock of fear is faith. That faith and positive words can overcome the fears that Satan attacks me with.

I need a renewal of the mind. I need to forget all the lies that Satan has told me.

Philippians 4:13 : I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Whatever we believe is the way it'll be for us. I want to believe that I don't have to be trapped in my past, that I don't have to carry this broken heart with me everywhere I go. And while there are many things in my life that need addressed, I want to start with letting go of the past. Because if I don't, I'll never move into my future. And a big part of letting go is forgiveness.

Matthew 6: 14-15 : "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

Colossians 3:13 : bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

Forgiveness is a decision. One that may be difficult, but is the right thing to do. One that I can't do alone, but with God's help. One that cannot change when my feelings do. One that takes a great deal of effort and willpower, but can be done. Living with anger and bitterness towards someone who has wronged me only hurts me. No matter how I feel towards that person, I have to want to forgive them. And I do.

Forgiveness means closure. So many situations in life never get closure. By shutting those doors to the past once and for all (instead of constantly opening them to see if anything has changed), I can walk further down the hallway (move forward) and see what God has in store for my present and my future.

I know that it is okay to forgive someone and not forget. And, to sum up a lesson I learned from a Madea movie, if I'm still holding onto that hurt, I haven't really forgiven them. If I'm telling someone a situation from my past, and I find myself focusing on the hurt and the anger rather than the lesson, I haven't really forgiven them.

Forgiveness is a good thing. And as hard as it may sometimes be, I must pray for my enemies and those who have wronged me. Not only is forgiveness important for my spiritual well-being, it's important for my health. Anger towards a wrongdoing can take a terrible toll on someone's health, and I'm talking about making someone physically ill.

I plan to sit down over the next few days and write letters of forgiveness to every person I can think of who has wronged me. Not sending them, but confronting the past and letting go of it. By forgiving, I let go of the power that wrongdoing has over me. And they all have weights, if you will. Some are 5lbs and some are 100lbs, and everything in between. God give me strength.

I also pray that those I have wronged (and I know there have been quite a few over the years) will somehow find it in them to forgive me. A few people come to mind, one in particular. Lord, I need him to forgive me.

Lord, I ask you to take my hand and lead me out of these prison doors. I pray you'll cleanse my heart of all the bitterness, anger, and resentment. Renew me. Help me become the woman of God I am meant to be. Please help me in my journey of forgiveness. Thank you for your blessings. Amen.